Wife's Letter To Husband

lllllllll Wife's Letter To Husband Funny lllllllll

My darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know you will forgive me since it was just an accident.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I can't wait to see you...

Your loving wife.
XXX

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Terdapat beberapa ketegori bantal dan perwatakan:

1) Memeluk Bantal
Mereka yg suka memeluk bantal biasanya berjiwa seni. Mereka mempunyai
penghargaan yg tinggi terhadap lukisan, muzik dan sastera. Perasaan
mereka
halus dan jiwa mereka romantik. Kadangkala ada yg boleh membaca
peristiwa
yg akan berlaku melalui mimpi. Mrk juga sgt prihatin terhadap
kesusilaan.

2) Menggunakan Banyak Bantal
Mereka biasanya kurang kenyakinan. Dalam kehidupan seharian mereka
memerlukan banyak pendamping. Mrk jarang membuat keputusan sendiri,
sebaliknya mendapatkan pandangan orang lain.

3) Tidur Dengan Satu Bantal
Mrk bukan jenis mengada-ngada dan boleh menerima keadaan seadanya. Mrk
juga
membuat keputusan berdasarkan fikiran dan bukan nafsu semata-mata.

4) Meletakkan Bantal Di Bawah Kaki
Mrk mempunyai sifat kurang baik. Mrk jarang bergaul dgn org ramai,
malah
kaku dalam pergaulan. Ini menyebabkan mrk cenderung bersifat egois. Mrk
juga
gemar menempuh jalan pintas utk mencapai cita2. Mrk tdk suka berusaha.

5) Tidur tanpa Bantal
Mrk memiliki sifat percaya diri yg sangat tinggi. Kadangkala sifat
percaya
diri ini akhirnya akan membawa kepada sifat ego.

6) Tidak punya bantal
Kasihan betul... pegi kedai belilah satu!!!!

DADDY SEX TU APE!!!!!

Suatu pagi seorang anak yang bernama Aiman yang baru masuk sekolah primary
bertanya kepada daddynya Farid,

'Daddy.daddy. ...sex tu apa, daddy..?'

Terkulat-kulat si Farid. Terfikir dia tentang arus kemodenan zaman sekarang
yang membuatkan manusia berfikiran terbuka, termasuklah
anak-anak yang masih kecil. Sesuai dengan konsep pendidikan seks yang
sedang hangat dibincangkan, mulalah si Farid mencari-cari jawapan yang
sesuai dengan harapan Aiman takkan tertinggal dalam arus pendidikan moden.

Maka si Farid pun memberikan jawapan secara mengkiaskan kumbang dan
bunga,telur yang yang menetaskan berudu dan seterusnya menjadi katak, hujan
serta benih yang mencetuskan tunas, diikuti dengan pembentukan bayi dalam
kandungan.

Sebelum mengakhiri jawapannya itu, si Farid menyelitkan pula kisah
percintaan antara dia dan mamanya sejak dari zaman sekolah
menengah lagi hinggalah kepada kelahiran seorang bayi comel iaitu si anak
yang bertanya itu. Tiba-tiba si Aiman menangis teresak-esak. Si Farid
kehairanan.

'Eh kenapa ni?' Si Farid bertanya kehairanan. Si anak masih juga menangis.

'Jawapan daddy tu panjang sangat, tapi tempat nak tulis jawapan ni pendek.
Daddy ajalah yang tulis, waaaaa!!!!'

Kata si anak lantas menyerahkan buku latihan Bahasa Inggerisnya yang pada
muka depan tertulis.... .


Name :
School:
Class :
Sex :

The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words….

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See! I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

And Finally.....

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early!

useful survival tips @ work place

LESSON 1



A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says :
" Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted : " I want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff …. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted :
" I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "
Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.
The boss calmly said : " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.30 pm. "

MORAL OF THE STORY : ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST !!!


LESSON 2



Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
" Listen," said the CEO, " this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
" Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
" Excellent, excellent! " said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.
" I just need one copy. "

LESSON # 2 : NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING !!!


LESSON 3




An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When
the American turned to the Japanese and asked
" What kind of -ese are you ? "
The Japanese, confused, replied : " Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. "
The American repeated : " What kind of -ese are you ? "
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled : " What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied : " Oh, I am a Japanese. "
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled : " What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?! "
The Japanese said, " Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? "

LESSON No 3 : NEVER INSULT ANYONE !!!


LESSON 4



There were these 4 guys --- a Russian, a German, an American and a French,
who together found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said :
" Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become,
then your wish will come true. "
The French wanted to start.
He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : " Wine ! "
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn.
He did the same and shouted : " Vodka ! " and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted : " Beer ! "
He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool.
The last is the American.
He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, " Shit !!!!!!!........."

LESSON # 4 : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING,
BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !!!


LESSON 5




The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE!!!

Tenang ketika gawat...

Pelbagai kesan dirasai impak kegawatan ekonomi yang berlaku ketika ini. Di Malaysia, sudah 10,000 pekerja hilang pekerjaan sejak 1 Januari 2009 dan dijangkakan dalam tiga bulan pertama dalam tahun ini lebih ramai yang akan diberhentikan kerja. Dilaporkan di USA, seorang pekerja yang baru diberhentikan kerja telah bertindak nekad membunuh isteri dan 5 orang anaknya sebelum membunuh dirinya sendiri!!! Peristiwa yang tragic ini adalah sebahagian fenomena sosial akibat tekanan hidup yang berat kerana kegawatan ekonomi yang sedang berlaku.

Bagi seorang Muslim, kegawatan yang berlaku adalah satu ujian yang ditakdirkan oleh Allah SWT. Muslim yang percaya kepada qada' dan qadar akan mengharungi segala ujian dengan tabah dan optimis betapa di sebalik ujian dan dugaan ini pasti menyusul kesenangan dan kemanisan. Rasulullah SAW bersabda: "Allah SWT berfirman; Aku berasa kagum terhadap hamba-hambaKu yang beriman..... apabila mereka diuji dengan kesenangan mereka bersyukur dan itulah sebaik-baiknya bagi mereka dan apabila mereka diuji dengan kesusahan maka mereka bersabar dan itulah sebaik-baiknya bagi mereka" (riwayat Muslim).

Antara amalan yang patut kita laksanakan dalam keadaan yang gawat ini adalah seperti berikut:

1. Berjimat cermat dan merancang perbelanjaan sebijaknya. Berbelanja hanya pada perkara yang perlu;

2. Banyak berdoa memohon dimurahkan rezeki. Sebahagian ulama juga mengatakan bahawa solat dhuha antara amalan untuk murah rezeki. Tapi janganlah nawaitu untuk solat dhuha "kerana Ringgit Malaysia".

3. Menjaga hubungan silaturrahim kerana menjaga hubungan silaturrahim adalah antara amalan yang menjadi punca murah rezeki. "Barangsiapa yang ingin dimurahkan rezeki dan dipanjangkan umur, maka hendaklah ia menghubungkan silaturrahim" (riwayat al Bukhari dan Muslim);

4. Konsisten dalam bersedekah. Nampak pelikkan, dalam susah pun kena konsisten bersedekah??? Terdapat pelbagai hadith yang sahih yang menjelaskan betapa orang yang banyak bersedekah takkan jatuh miskin dan dilipatgandakan rezekinya. Disebutkan dalam sebuah hadith: "Setiap kali menjelang Subuh, turunlah dua Malaikat ke langit dunia. Salah satu di antara mereka berdoa: "Ya Allah kau gantikan (dengan banyaknya) kepada hambaMu yang banyak memberi (bersedekah)" manakala malaikat yang satu lagi berdoa: "Ya Allah kau hilangkan (dengan banyak) bagi orang yang menahan harta mereka (kedekut)" (riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim). Again, ikhlaskan niat kerana Allah jangan sampai sedekah kita kerana "Ringgit Malaysia";

5. Sentiasa bersangka baik kepada Allah samada ketika diuji dengan kesenangan atau kepayahan. Jangan terlintas di hati kita perasaan betapa Allah tidak adil dan tidak kasih kepada kita. Yakinlah, apa pun ujian dari Allah pasti ada hikmah yang tersirat. Sesungguhnya Allah tidak pernah menzalimi hamba-hambaNya.

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IKAN SALMONBentuknya OK, indah, dagingnya pink muda dan enak dimakan. Tapi sayangnya mahal, soalnya masih boleh diimport. Sesuai… ada nilai, ada kualiti….INI WANITA BERKERJAYA.....

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